In this time

 

Yesterday, SCOTUS made a decision which will impact women’s lives, American’s lives for a long time and with detrimental consequences. Roe V Wade guaranteed healthcare for women on a federal level. The insanity of this overturn is unthinkable. I was born in 1974. I have always had a right to chose. Now, my daughter will not experience that right. Choice is a right. This has been torn from us. This is not over. 

Bullies

I found out a bit more than a week ago that a coworker used my (this) blog to show to her team in order to demonstrate that I should not be a Director of HR.  I feel violated and bullied. I just turned forty-five years old and I cannot believe adults are acting this way.  This is cruel and shameful.
Treating people with kindness does not mean digging around someone's personal life and sharing that in order to discredit and disparage her. I'm sad this person/these people are hurting so much they have to hurt me in order to feel better.

Spread Kindness like confetti.

Belonging

I often go back to the idea of belonging. Life has been presenting me with many opportunities to study this concept. Brené Brown frequently speaks of belonging. Her definition is,

"Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance."

How often do I show my true self? Not as often as I would be proud to say. I can be the best chameleon out there. When I hide myself to the world, I'm lying and deceiving me. Is this what Life has asked of me? Is this what the Universe envisions for my time here on earth? I don't believe so. 

My good friend's sister sent me a book called, Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home. I read the first chapter and had to put it down. It was that thought-provoking and I need to sit with it before I continue. The word remembering is re-member; a verb describing us coming back to being a part of something larger than ourselves. 

The more I seek belonging, the smaller my tribe becomes. I am okay with this. Back in my teenage and twenty-something years, the number of phone numbers I had in my contact book meant something to me. It wasn't the quality of the relationships, just merely the quantity. This is no longer my style. I am most happy around people who accept me for all of me, including the ugly parts I do try to hide from time to time. 

To my tribe: I love you. Thank you!

Random Sunday Morning Thoughts

I find men reading in a coffeehouse quite attractive.

I enjoy sitting in the car on a sunny, but cold day and let the warmth wash over me.

When my children go to a sleepover, I miss them.

I appreciate sleeping in until my body wants to wake up.

I look forward to walks as the weather gets warmer.

I love acoustic 90s music and singing along in my car.

I'm happy Spring will be here soon.

I dig finding new knitting patterns.

I relish listening to audiobooks while knitting or make cards. 

All the Feelings

Lately, I have been a proponent of allowing all feelings to be okay - especially in the workplace. A caveat to this, no violence or hurtful words. Violence, anger, and hurtful words are secondary reactions to a primary emotion. I cry quite a bit at work and am becoming more comfortable with it. I encourage tears during tough conversations in the safety of my office. I tell my coworkers that tears don't scare me and it's good for us to cry.
This last week I cried quite a bit. My coworker is moving out of state. I rely on her quite a bit. She has a fantastic job opportunity with more responsibilities and money. I don't know how to compete with that. I never set out to be a supervisor, let alone a Director of a department. It fell upon me. It has been one of the most challenging situations in my life. I love my team and have such great people who work with me; it makes my job much more manageable. I come from a relationships point of view much more than a business strategy perspective.  I have learned much about strategy from my departing coworker. I will keep in touch with her and continue to pick her brain on the business world.

We have also had tremendous amounts of change at work. Several teammates have left for other opportunities. I miss them, and I'm gloomy at times.

There are days when I would enjoy winning the lottery, even if a small amount. I would take some time away from work and take a long cruise or travel to other countries.

Winter Blues

I'm quite lucky to live in a state known for 300 days of sunshine. When I lived in Indiana, we would go weeks with overcast skies. Oh boy, that was hard for me. I'm finding when I'm inside for work, with an inside office (no windows), this makes for a challenging day, week, and month. I am setting a personal goal for myself to step outside during the week at least ten minutes. I have noticed my mood has been quite low the last couple of months and I wonder if the little sun has something to do with it.

Terri

1992 Spring Break, Chicago

Sunday, December 9, 2018

Dear Terri,

On Thursday, I found out you passed away last Wednesday night. I was, and still am, in shock. I didn't realize you were sick. Jamie let me know. She apologized for not telling me earlier. Of course, no apologies needed. We were not in touch all too often. I regret this now.

You were one of my best friends in high school. Remember, we met in Mr. Powers' Biology class Sophomore year? He brought you to the front of the room and introduced you. He said you were from Harrisburg, PA, which was near Hershey, PA with all the chocolate. You lived close by, in the neighborhood across 91st street. We rode the same bus. You helped make high school bearable.

I have flashes of memories since last Thursday. One of my favorite memories is sitting on the bus, Sophomore year, going to Georgia for the Biology bird watching trip with Mr. Powers. We were towards the front of the bus, on the driver's side. You had brought some Far Side books. We read them together and would laugh until we cried. A few times, I thought I'd never catch my breath.

I remember when we were both Boys' Basketball managers and Mr. Feezle asked for something. You yelled, "I got it". You ran across towards the bleachers and slipped and fell on a piece of paper. We laughed for the rest of practice. Thankfully, you were not hurt.

Do you remember when we slept in your hammocks in your room? The thought of sleeping in a hammock was better than the actual event. Never will I sleep in a hammock all night.

Remember sleeping over at my house and we talked all night long? We talked until the sun came up and heard my Dad turning on the shower.

I loved our Chicago Spring Break trip our Senior year of high school. We took the train from Indy to Chicago. It was blustery cold, but we made it. We used the bus system to get around the city. Remember asking the old ladies which bus to take to get to Shed Aquarium?  Your Dad was working in Chicago at the time and we were able to use the pullout couch in his hotel room to sleep. The hotel also had a sauna and we'd chill in there to warm up from the cold. We went to the art museum and I was able to buy postcards of Kandinsky. We missed the train back to Indianapolis and your Dad paid for tickets on Southwest Airlines. We sat in seats facing backward and thought it was an interested experience. There was quite a bit of turbulence on the flight and we just laughed every time. I think it helped the folks in front of us.

We went to several concerts together. If I remember correctly, your parents weren't so keen on you attending concerts as a teenager. We talked them into your first concert, Amy Grant. We were both surprised to smell pot at an Amy Grant concert. Being that concert went well, our next concert was Milli Vanilli! (track record not so great yet). We watched two guys lip syncing, huh? However, we both learned the Electric Slide and I still know the moves today. In college, we saw Bush and No Doubt at IU our Junior year of college. From college on, we had better concert experiences. After college, you began to really enjoy Phish and I think of you when I hear them.

We were roommates Freshman year of college. I remember listening to Tori Amos quite a bit in our dorm room. This was the year I discovered my love of Pearl Jam and you put up with me listening to the album "Ten" over and over. You never complained. This is the year we met Jamie. I'm happy you two stayed such good friends. Jamie is good people. I'm happy she was there for you in your last years. I was also around when you met Rob. I never told you this, but he said to me, "There is just something about your roommate." I think he fell for you that very first weekend. I'm happy you had him all this time.

I have more memories of course. We spent 4 years of our lives in close quarters. We drifted a bit after Freshman year at IU. I saw you a handful of times as adults. Wish it would have been more.

Thank you for being in my life, Terri. I cherish all the memories I have today and will have through the years.

Until we meet again...

Your friend,
Jenny

So Many Random Thoughts

Almost daily, I think to myself, "I should write about THAT". Then, I get home from ten hours at work and I'm exhausted, let alone helping with homework and chores.

Yesterday was Halloween. I have a secret. Halloween isn't my all-time favorite holiday. I do enjoy dressing in costumes from time to time. However, I don't fancy spending money on an outfit I will wear for a few hours one day a year. The candy offerings are not my favorite. I'm a bit of a chocolate snob - only dark chocolate for me, please. Again, I get home sometimes quite mentally empty and yesterday, I just wasn't into it. I do enjoy walking with my kiddos through the neighborhood and chatting with other parents. I also enjoy passing out candy, especially to the tiny kiddos. This year, just wasn't my year.

Hypnosis. I've been trying hypnosis! I paid fourteen dollars for a download to help me not be so nervous as a passenger in a car. I long for the day I didn't think twice about being a passenger. My biggest fear is a car turning left in front of me. I was in a fairly bad accident in college which may be lending to some of my anxiety. However, I was the one turning left, on an arrow, and someone ran a red light. My feelings of overwhelm are still strong.  I can be very mindful and relax sitting in my bedroom, it's more challenging during the day.

Go Vote. I voted this weekend. I love Colorado's system. So. Easy. We get a ballot in the mail and there are many ballot drop boxes around town. No excuses to not vote. I gathered all my materials: the blue book, Colorado Non-Profit Association's Guide, El Paso County ballot guide, Citizen's Project website and got to work. We had quite a large ballot this year. Our congressman is up for re-election and I voted for his opponent, Stephanie Spaulding. I had a chance to meet Ms. Spaulding this morning at the CPCD Headstart fundraising breakfast. She is very kind and personable. I would love to see El Paso County gain a more progressive Representative. I'm cautiously optimistic this could happen. Even if it's close, I will see it as a win. This would mean my hunch is correct; as we continue to grow, we will become more open to progressive ideas. Colorado has two measures on the ballot to address gerrymandering. I have a strong feeling these will pass. I believe Colorado is making some good movements forward and I'm happy to be a resident of this state. Speaking of, this last June, I celebrated twenty years in Colorado! Does this make me a native yet?

So many more topics, so very tired. Today is Thursday. I am taking Friday off as I am working the entire weekend. Don't be jealous.

You are not your pain

Pain. I tell my friends and family that pain is pain. Don't judge it. Don't compare it. Be kind to yourself when in pain. Feel it and embrace it and it will move through you. Some pain is quick and easy, other times it lasts a while, even decades. I sometimes forget my own advice. I sometimes focus on it, dwell on it, ruminate and devote my time to it. I listen to sad music as it's my favorite. My sister tells me I'm drawn to the melancholy of it all. (My favorite music decade was the '90s). The grandest pain for me comes from my expectations of others. And, if I'm honest with myself, a good portion of pain comes from me letting myself down. I want other people to be kind, friendly, compassionate, and empathetic. When this doesn't show up, I find myself sad and frustrated as I don't understand why a human could be so unkind. When I turn it around, it's really about me not living up to my own expectations. If someone isn't acting the way I think they should, it's up to me to recognize this is about them, not me. Someone else's actions are all about them, not me. 

But but but...what if I want them to like me more? Aha - that is a biggie. I have had many relationships (romantic, friendships, family) fizzle out due to various reasons. It would make my day if those whom I haven't heard from call me, text me, or message me a "Hello. Was thinking of you. Hope you are well." Day. Made. But, why is my day made? Why do I continue to seek approval from outside myself? I am a good person. I am kind. I am compassionate. I can be helpful. Sometimes. Sometimes, I'm ugly and mean. I'm human. I hope for those I have hurt, I have apologized to them. I'm fascinated by Yom Kippur, perhaps I will study the holiday and ask one of my friends who is Jewish if I could celebrate with them. 

Today, I'm finding myself sad for the past relationships that just didn't work. I'll own it. I will work towards it passing through me. 

Hello pain, we meet again. 

Fake it 'til you make it

The last year and a half or so have been a bit more challenging for me than normal. I am quite the typical human being with good days and not so great days. However, these last 18 months have felt a bit like a heavy blanket. I have moments when all I want to do is cry and be sad, for no reason whatsoever. Well, if I'm honest with myself, I do have some reasons, I just don't always admit them to myself. As I've mentioned, I read quite a bit about the new thought/new age movement. One major theme is "change your thinking, change your life". Almost all religions have this concept as well. I was raised Catholic (no longer practicing) and Christianity has this saying as well; "As someone thinks within himself, so he is." -Proverbs 23:7
I do believe strongly in this concept, it's just been more challenging of late. This morning I pondered if faking happiness, prosperity, joy, and belonging would help me break out of this cycle of low feelings. I attempted it a bit through the day. Perhaps it helped some. I'm dog sitting this weekend, so I took him for a short walk (the puppy is an old man, such a sweetie) early this morning (early for me on a weekend: 8 am). It helped to move some. Walking and contemplating go hand in hand.
I am revisiting "The Secret". I own the book and the movie is on Netflix. Hard to believe the movie came out 12 years ago. This book goes into the Law of Attraction quite a bit. Most new thought ideas have some sort of Law of Attraction within their belief system, it's just not always said with such words. I'm also listening to "Friendship with God", by Neale Donald Walsch. I read that book many moons ago when it was first released. I don't reread books often. With my new age books, I like to read them again years later as they always have something else to tell me. Similar concepts in this book regarding connecting with your higher source, whatever name you want to call it. I'm enjoying it as well.
I know, by divine right, I get to experience happiness. I know this is a choice I get to make. This week, I will wake up with gratitude for my life. Let's see how this week goes.

Music

So many thoughts, ideas, emotions, dreams, and just plain life contain music. The majority of the time, I have music in my life, whether it be playing out loud, in the car (always in the car), in my earbuds, or I'm just singing in my head. Music is a part of who we are as humans. We come together over music. Music can heal, bring laughter, induce tears, and be quite cathartic. 

I have memories of my Dad working in our garage in our first house in Indianapolis. We had a one-story, three-bedroom, one and a half bath house with a detached garage. My dad had a record player in the garage and I'd watch him work, on, what I can't remember; while playing music and singing along. There was one record with the words "son of a gun" on the album cover. I remember thinking that was a bad phrase, and I would chuckle to myself when I'd read those words in my head. Such a rebel! 

My first concert was Neil Diamond, Indianapolis' Market Square Arena in 1984 (ish). The concert was almost three hours long and I practically fell asleep until I heard "Coming to America". As I got a bit older, I was made fun of for seeing and listening to Neil Diamond. Apparently, he wasn't cool enough. In high school, I was made fun of for liking George Michael - not alternative enough. In college, a few people rolled their eyes because I listened to Dave Matthews Band, "they sold out". Why do we make fun of others for the music they listen to? Why do we define ourselves by the music we enjoy? There is music I like and don't like. Doesn't mean I have the right to make fun of someone for their preferences.

I find myself drawn to the songs of melancholy. The more broken hearted, the better. Why? I really don't know. Perhaps because for so long, I was invariably broken hearted over someone or something. I still struggle with that today, just not as strongly. Perhaps this music means I'm really okay. I'm not all that different from other people. We all experience pain from time to time. For me, music can release a bit of that sadness.

So today, I'm inspired to listen to a bit of my childhood music as I work on weekend chores.

Rock on!

Parallel Lives

 I  have a strong interest in New Thought/New Age ideas. I heard an interview with a former dentist turned hypnotherapist. He spoke upon parallel lives. I have heard of this idea, but I don't know much about it. Quite intriguing though. So, if we have parallel lives, what do our other lives look like? Are they similar with minor changes, or drastically different? Could I still be living in Indiana? New Mexico? Somewhere else? Oh, maybe somewhere in Greece, or Spain, or the United Kingdom? Better, yet, maybe a tropical spot where it's warm all year round. This interview reminded me we are a total of all of our choices. Where would I be had I stayed in Indiana? The majority of the people in my life today almost certainly wouldn't be around. I believe the core of our being knows what we need in our life and life presents choices for us. In the end, as long as you choose to be kind, I don't think you can go wrong. Still, fun to ponder...

Chaos and Zen

 Chaos to me is when too many things are in the same space, whether this is activities closer together/at the same time, or too many physical things (clutter). This coming week is chaos to me. My house is cluttered as it is. My husband and I have different views of clutter and for me, it's very challenging to be in a room with things piled on top of each other. I am not a minimalist, and I lean more towards that way of being than anyone else in my family. I am working through anxiety, and have been for quite some time. The house, I find, is not a Zen place for me. If I could, I'd have a shed in the backyard with heat and A/C for my escape. This week, my husband is out of town and the kiddos and I have quite a few activities. I have spent the morning organizing rides and babysitters. I woke up with a headache and as of 1:20 pm, I still have this headache. My work is hectic as well and not quite looking forward to Monday. My opportunity is to find the peace within all of this. I am not there yet, but, perhaps I will find something this week.

Just Write

This morning, I stayed in bed until 9 am. I finished listening to "How to Walk Away" by Katherine Center. I absolutely loved the book. Yes, the book contained many elements of chick-lit, with some grand gestures of romance, and a heavy sprinkling of hard times. In the end, love is what matters. When you don't know what to do for yourself, do for others. I realize that I have unrealistic expectations of romance and love. I admit all the romcoms I watch and chick-lits I read or listen to don't help. However, that is my utopia, my nirvana, my heaven. I believe there is more to life than what we see on planet earth in human form. I believe we are surrounded by a spirituality that is there, even if we cannot see it. I hope for a world in which peace, kindness, compassion, and love are the major themes. In this world, hate and violence aren't even a concept. I hope when my time on this earth is done, I get to experience that world in some way, shape, or form. I imagine getting to experience over and over a romantic gesture of some kind and I get to feel that tornado of bliss in your solar plexus and the thumping of your heart and the shortness of breath which comes along with it. 

I know the feelings of love change. There is a comfort in the long-lasting. The sparks of excitement extinguish and a quiet feeling replace it. This is nice too. In my nirvana-world, these two feelings live together. 

Yesterday, I saw my therapist. I got to cry and tell her just how stressful my life is at the moment. She empathized and said all the right things. She told me to write out my feelings. I do keep a journal that ebbs and flows. I write out my happy and my sad and my stress. Many times, I write in my head and the words never come out. I don't consider myself "a writer". My English grammar isn't perfect. My spelling isn't always accurate. My creativity doesn't always live up to my standards. But, here I am. I am writing. No one has to read this to validate. It feels nice to be typing away. Do I wish I were like JK Rowling? Yes. However, the world needs me, just as I am, writer or not. I get to live in my idealistic self from time to time and hope for a world that is happier than it sometimes is. Idealism is the vision while realism is the mission. Idealism gives us goals to walk towards. Idealism and romantic aspirations sometimes lead us to heartbreak. I know all about heartbreak and unrequited love. That was the story of my preteen years through my twenties. I longed for romance and was let down time and time again. I even got my heart broken big time and it took me a long time to recover. I'd say I still have some scars, but it didn't break me. I still love deeply and greatly. I have a love for my children that I could never know until they were born. I love them more each year that passes. I love my husband in that quiet way that sometimes is hard and challenging, but, in the end, we still choose each other. We wake up each morning and decide to make this work through the good and the ugly. I love my family. I belong with them and they with me. We get to be whomever we are and we still love one another. My list of friends is a bit shorter now in my forties, and I'm okay with this. I'm happy to have a few really good friends, knowing I get to be myself, and they accept and love me right back. 

Even in this very stressful time, I have moments of serenity and peace, and for this, I am grateful. 

Dr. Mike

I found out my friend, Dr. Mike passed away recently. He was the first minister I knew at Center for Spiritual Living, Colorado Springs. I moved to Colorado Springs in 1998, and Mike was one of the first people I met here. I randomly looked in the phone book for a church that may be more progressive and came across this church. I called them and spoke with Barb, their office manager at the time. She told me they are accepting of all people and all faiths. I found a spiritual home here. I took as many of their classes as I could, I joined the music team, I volunteered when I could. In 2002, the center was going through quite a rough patch and Dr. Mike resigned/retired. I kept in touch with him on and off. We would have lunch sometimes to catch up. I feel sad, as the last few years I did not meet up with him nor call him to say hello. I let the busyness of my life get in the way.
Dr. Mike, you were a resource for me when I first started out here in Colorado Springs. I learned quite a bit from you. You will be missed! I trust one day we will meet again. 

The Holidays

What? I have a vivid memory of sitting on my couch on Christmas of 2016, knitting and watching The British Baking Show. This year passed in the blink of an eye, and yet, it was a tough year. The beginning of the year, my husband lost his job. A few months later, his Mom passed away.  I absolutely love my job and it’s the hardest position I have ever held. I had a bit of a breakdown over the summer. The pressure of our company’s move along with staff challenges and all the projects due at fiscal new year got to me. I spent one day crying and I couldn’t stop. I ended up taking a week off (short notice) and went to Indiana to recoup. I don’t believe I will allow myself to get to that level of stress again. I learned quite a bit about myself during that time.
Here’s to a good holiday season and a Happy 2018!

Confidence

The last few weeks have been challenging. I experienced a level of stress I haven't experienced before. I was so stressed, I was getting sick.  I felt I was floating above my own body. I cried for at least eight hours. What was this? A panic attack? I didn't have a racing heart, nor did I feel as though I were dying. It was a perfect storm of issues from work and home and came together in one big cluster. Through all of this, and with help from my family, I learned that I must work on my confidence. I tend to feel not good enough in most areas of my life. I sometimes feel like a fraud. Do people really trust me to be a wife, a Mom, a friend and an HR professional?

So now, I get to practice. I'm practicing/faking until I make it that I am confident. As Brene Brown states, you have to show up and be heard. I get to practice speaking up in meetings when I feel a bit stupid. I get to practice saying no even though I fear disappointing people. I get to practice self-care.

A part of my self-care. I went back to my childhood home of Indiana. I spent time with my family and had a much-needed break. I learned from my brother that confidence can make you go from feeling like a six to a nine out of ten. I learned from my sister that the cute guy in college probably did like me, but I was too shy to show my interest.

I have moments of feeling very confident. I will hold onto those until more come.

I just want to be healthy

Most of my life, I have worried about my weight. I remember being six years old and my classmate, Tim said, "you look skinny in those jeans". I remember being quite happy about that statement. I didn't worry too much about my size until 7th grade. This is when I realized I was on the chunkier side, compared to my classmates. I also was told I was fat a few times in junior high by some boys and that really hurt my feelings. In high school and college, I would try to diet. I would lose a few pounds but then gain it right back. I have a love of food. I think about food often. I like the feeling I have when I have a full belly. I fear the feeling of hunger. Lately, I'm hearing from people "I just want to be healthy", versus losing weight. I agree with this sentiment, and, to be honest, I'm not there. I don't know if I ever will be. Of course, I want to be healthy. If I'm not healthy, I cannot enjoy my life. However, the urge to be thin is still stronger than the urge to be healthy. Perhaps I'm stuck in my high school way of thinking. Perhaps I need to evolve a bit. I'm not sure how to switch to focusing on health over the number on the scale. I'll keep working towards being healthy over being thin. 

Overwhelmed

Along with anxiety, I find myself overwhelmed more than I care to admit. My home and my work are a bit stressful at the moment. OK, a lot stressful. Work is very busy with things to accomplish. I'm also a people pleaser and try to help everyone. I'm learning to say "no" more often and bit by bit, it is helping. I'm also reading "Essentialism" by Greg McKeown. This too is helping. This book gives tips on letting go of anything that is not essential. I realize I am quite the non-essentialist. I practiced saying "no" at work this week by stating my department (HR) does not have any more resources to take on another project offered our way.

Home is tough as well. We had a big loss in our family. My husband's Mom passed away not quite a month ago. This is hard as this is our first parent to pass away. In some ways, it doesn't seem real quite yet. What is real is all the stuff to be done when your parent passes away. It is more than one realizes. I'm trying to help my husband, but I am afraid I'm not being as helpful as I could. I get overwhelmed and anxious with "stuff" around me. We have quite a bit of stuff in our house and I am struggling with feeling calm in our space. I really am trying, but feel I am failing. Mixing my anxiety around clutter and my people pleasing issues, this is quite a mess.

Just breathe.  

Anxiety

Brene Brown (http://brenebrown.com/) is fabulous! I just love her!
I enjoy her books and her TED talks. The one thing I have learned from her is being vulnerable. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, it creates space for others to be vulnerable as well. To me, being vulnerable is just being ourselves - no masks.

Being vulnerable also means embracing the parts of ourselves we don't particularly like. I have been struggling with some pieces of my life. I feel overwhelmed more than I care to. I yell at my husband more than I should (which is never). I only feel comfortable at home when it's uncluttered (hardly ever). I cannot seem to relax unless the chores are completed - at least visually.

This weekend I was alone in the house! Just the dog and me. I got the main level and my bedroom to a space where I felt calm. Once my family came home and they started "living" in the house, my anxiety increased. I could feel it in my stomach. This isn't a fun way to live.

I have decided to speak openly when I feel overwhelmed. I am also going to chat with a doctor to search other options. I also have a fabulous life coach Melissa: http://melissahealycoaching.com/ whom I speak with a few times a year. Hope it all helps!