Terri

1992 Spring Break, Chicago

Sunday, December 9, 2018

Dear Terri,

On Thursday, I found out you passed away last Wednesday night. I was, and still am, in shock. I didn't realize you were sick. Jamie let me know. She apologized for not telling me earlier. Of course, no apologies needed. We were not in touch all too often. I regret this now.

You were one of my best friends in high school. Remember, we met in Mr. Powers' Biology class Sophomore year? He brought you to the front of the room and introduced you. He said you were from Harrisburg, PA, which was near Hershey, PA with all the chocolate. You lived close by, in the neighborhood across 91st street. We rode the same bus. You helped make high school bearable.

I have flashes of memories since last Thursday. One of my favorite memories is sitting on the bus, Sophomore year, going to Georgia for the Biology bird watching trip with Mr. Powers. We were towards the front of the bus, on the driver's side. You had brought some Far Side books. We read them together and would laugh until we cried. A few times, I thought I'd never catch my breath.

I remember when we were both Boys' Basketball managers and Mr. Feezle asked for something. You yelled, "I got it". You ran across towards the bleachers and slipped and fell on a piece of paper. We laughed for the rest of practice. Thankfully, you were not hurt.

Do you remember when we slept in your hammocks in your room? The thought of sleeping in a hammock was better than the actual event. Never will I sleep in a hammock all night.

Remember sleeping over at my house and we talked all night long? We talked until the sun came up and heard my Dad turning on the shower.

I loved our Chicago Spring Break trip our Senior year of high school. We took the train from Indy to Chicago. It was blustery cold, but we made it. We used the bus system to get around the city. Remember asking the old ladies which bus to take to get to Shed Aquarium?  Your Dad was working in Chicago at the time and we were able to use the pullout couch in his hotel room to sleep. The hotel also had a sauna and we'd chill in there to warm up from the cold. We went to the art museum and I was able to buy postcards of Kandinsky. We missed the train back to Indianapolis and your Dad paid for tickets on Southwest Airlines. We sat in seats facing backward and thought it was an interested experience. There was quite a bit of turbulence on the flight and we just laughed every time. I think it helped the folks in front of us.

We went to several concerts together. If I remember correctly, your parents weren't so keen on you attending concerts as a teenager. We talked them into your first concert, Amy Grant. We were both surprised to smell pot at an Amy Grant concert. Being that concert went well, our next concert was Milli Vanilli! (track record not so great yet). We watched two guys lip syncing, huh? However, we both learned the Electric Slide and I still know the moves today. In college, we saw Bush and No Doubt at IU our Junior year of college. From college on, we had better concert experiences. After college, you began to really enjoy Phish and I think of you when I hear them.

We were roommates Freshman year of college. I remember listening to Tori Amos quite a bit in our dorm room. This was the year I discovered my love of Pearl Jam and you put up with me listening to the album "Ten" over and over. You never complained. This is the year we met Jamie. I'm happy you two stayed such good friends. Jamie is good people. I'm happy she was there for you in your last years. I was also around when you met Rob. I never told you this, but he said to me, "There is just something about your roommate." I think he fell for you that very first weekend. I'm happy you had him all this time.

I have more memories of course. We spent 4 years of our lives in close quarters. We drifted a bit after Freshman year at IU. I saw you a handful of times as adults. Wish it would have been more.

Thank you for being in my life, Terri. I cherish all the memories I have today and will have through the years.

Until we meet again...

Your friend,
Jenny

So Many Random Thoughts

Almost daily, I think to myself, "I should write about THAT". Then, I get home from ten hours at work and I'm exhausted, let alone helping with homework and chores.

Yesterday was Halloween. I have a secret. Halloween isn't my all-time favorite holiday. I do enjoy dressing in costumes from time to time. However, I don't fancy spending money on an outfit I will wear for a few hours one day a year. The candy offerings are not my favorite. I'm a bit of a chocolate snob - only dark chocolate for me, please. Again, I get home sometimes quite mentally empty and yesterday, I just wasn't into it. I do enjoy walking with my kiddos through the neighborhood and chatting with other parents. I also enjoy passing out candy, especially to the tiny kiddos. This year, just wasn't my year.

Hypnosis. I've been trying hypnosis! I paid fourteen dollars for a download to help me not be so nervous as a passenger in a car. I long for the day I didn't think twice about being a passenger. My biggest fear is a car turning left in front of me. I was in a fairly bad accident in college which may be lending to some of my anxiety. However, I was the one turning left, on an arrow, and someone ran a red light. My feelings of overwhelm are still strong.  I can be very mindful and relax sitting in my bedroom, it's more challenging during the day.

Go Vote. I voted this weekend. I love Colorado's system. So. Easy. We get a ballot in the mail and there are many ballot drop boxes around town. No excuses to not vote. I gathered all my materials: the blue book, Colorado Non-Profit Association's Guide, El Paso County ballot guide, Citizen's Project website and got to work. We had quite a large ballot this year. Our congressman is up for re-election and I voted for his opponent, Stephanie Spaulding. I had a chance to meet Ms. Spaulding this morning at the CPCD Headstart fundraising breakfast. She is very kind and personable. I would love to see El Paso County gain a more progressive Representative. I'm cautiously optimistic this could happen. Even if it's close, I will see it as a win. This would mean my hunch is correct; as we continue to grow, we will become more open to progressive ideas. Colorado has two measures on the ballot to address gerrymandering. I have a strong feeling these will pass. I believe Colorado is making some good movements forward and I'm happy to be a resident of this state. Speaking of, this last June, I celebrated twenty years in Colorado! Does this make me a native yet?

So many more topics, so very tired. Today is Thursday. I am taking Friday off as I am working the entire weekend. Don't be jealous.

You are not your pain

Pain. I tell my friends and family that pain is pain. Don't judge it. Don't compare it. Be kind to yourself when in pain. Feel it and embrace it and it will move through you. Some pain is quick and easy, other times it lasts a while, even decades. I sometimes forget my own advice. I sometimes focus on it, dwell on it, ruminate and devote my time to it. I listen to sad music as it's my favorite. My sister tells me I'm drawn to the melancholy of it all. (My favorite music decade was the '90s). The grandest pain for me comes from my expectations of others. And, if I'm honest with myself, a good portion of pain comes from me letting myself down. I want other people to be kind, friendly, compassionate, and empathetic. When this doesn't show up, I find myself sad and frustrated as I don't understand why a human could be so unkind. When I turn it around, it's really about me not living up to my own expectations. If someone isn't acting the way I think they should, it's up to me to recognize this is about them, not me. Someone else's actions are all about them, not me. 

But but but...what if I want them to like me more? Aha - that is a biggie. I have had many relationships (romantic, friendships, family) fizzle out due to various reasons. It would make my day if those whom I haven't heard from call me, text me, or message me a "Hello. Was thinking of you. Hope you are well." Day. Made. But, why is my day made? Why do I continue to seek approval from outside myself? I am a good person. I am kind. I am compassionate. I can be helpful. Sometimes. Sometimes, I'm ugly and mean. I'm human. I hope for those I have hurt, I have apologized to them. I'm fascinated by Yom Kippur, perhaps I will study the holiday and ask one of my friends who is Jewish if I could celebrate with them. 

Today, I'm finding myself sad for the past relationships that just didn't work. I'll own it. I will work towards it passing through me. 

Hello pain, we meet again. 

Fake it 'til you make it

The last year and a half or so have been a bit more challenging for me than normal. I am quite the typical human being with good days and not so great days. However, these last 18 months have felt a bit like a heavy blanket. I have moments when all I want to do is cry and be sad, for no reason whatsoever. Well, if I'm honest with myself, I do have some reasons, I just don't always admit them to myself. As I've mentioned, I read quite a bit about the new thought/new age movement. One major theme is "change your thinking, change your life". Almost all religions have this concept as well. I was raised Catholic (no longer practicing) and Christianity has this saying as well; "As someone thinks within himself, so he is." -Proverbs 23:7
I do believe strongly in this concept, it's just been more challenging of late. This morning I pondered if faking happiness, prosperity, joy, and belonging would help me break out of this cycle of low feelings. I attempted it a bit through the day. Perhaps it helped some. I'm dog sitting this weekend, so I took him for a short walk (the puppy is an old man, such a sweetie) early this morning (early for me on a weekend: 8 am). It helped to move some. Walking and contemplating go hand in hand.
I am revisiting "The Secret". I own the book and the movie is on Netflix. Hard to believe the movie came out 12 years ago. This book goes into the Law of Attraction quite a bit. Most new thought ideas have some sort of Law of Attraction within their belief system, it's just not always said with such words. I'm also listening to "Friendship with God", by Neale Donald Walsch. I read that book many moons ago when it was first released. I don't reread books often. With my new age books, I like to read them again years later as they always have something else to tell me. Similar concepts in this book regarding connecting with your higher source, whatever name you want to call it. I'm enjoying it as well.
I know, by divine right, I get to experience happiness. I know this is a choice I get to make. This week, I will wake up with gratitude for my life. Let's see how this week goes.

Music

So many thoughts, ideas, emotions, dreams, and just plain life contain music. The majority of the time, I have music in my life, whether it be playing out loud, in the car (always in the car), in my earbuds, or I'm just singing in my head. Music is a part of who we are as humans. We come together over music. Music can heal, bring laughter, induce tears, and be quite cathartic. 

I have memories of my Dad working in our garage in our first house in Indianapolis. We had a one-story, three-bedroom, one and a half bath house with a detached garage. My dad had a record player in the garage and I'd watch him work, on, what I can't remember; while playing music and singing along. There was one record with the words "son of a gun" on the album cover. I remember thinking that was a bad phrase, and I would chuckle to myself when I'd read those words in my head. Such a rebel! 

My first concert was Neil Diamond, Indianapolis' Market Square Arena in 1984 (ish). The concert was almost three hours long and I practically fell asleep until I heard "Coming to America". As I got a bit older, I was made fun of for seeing and listening to Neil Diamond. Apparently, he wasn't cool enough. In high school, I was made fun of for liking George Michael - not alternative enough. In college, a few people rolled their eyes because I listened to Dave Matthews Band, "they sold out". Why do we make fun of others for the music they listen to? Why do we define ourselves by the music we enjoy? There is music I like and don't like. Doesn't mean I have the right to make fun of someone for their preferences.

I find myself drawn to the songs of melancholy. The more broken hearted, the better. Why? I really don't know. Perhaps because for so long, I was invariably broken hearted over someone or something. I still struggle with that today, just not as strongly. Perhaps this music means I'm really okay. I'm not all that different from other people. We all experience pain from time to time. For me, music can release a bit of that sadness.

So today, I'm inspired to listen to a bit of my childhood music as I work on weekend chores.

Rock on!

Parallel Lives

 I  have a strong interest in New Thought/New Age ideas. I heard an interview with a former dentist turned hypnotherapist. He spoke upon parallel lives. I have heard of this idea, but I don't know much about it. Quite intriguing though. So, if we have parallel lives, what do our other lives look like? Are they similar with minor changes, or drastically different? Could I still be living in Indiana? New Mexico? Somewhere else? Oh, maybe somewhere in Greece, or Spain, or the United Kingdom? Better, yet, maybe a tropical spot where it's warm all year round. This interview reminded me we are a total of all of our choices. Where would I be had I stayed in Indiana? The majority of the people in my life today almost certainly wouldn't be around. I believe the core of our being knows what we need in our life and life presents choices for us. In the end, as long as you choose to be kind, I don't think you can go wrong. Still, fun to ponder...

Chaos and Zen

 Chaos to me is when too many things are in the same space, whether this is activities closer together/at the same time, or too many physical things (clutter). This coming week is chaos to me. My house is cluttered as it is. My husband and I have different views of clutter and for me, it's very challenging to be in a room with things piled on top of each other. I am not a minimalist, and I lean more towards that way of being than anyone else in my family. I am working through anxiety, and have been for quite some time. The house, I find, is not a Zen place for me. If I could, I'd have a shed in the backyard with heat and A/C for my escape. This week, my husband is out of town and the kiddos and I have quite a few activities. I have spent the morning organizing rides and babysitters. I woke up with a headache and as of 1:20 pm, I still have this headache. My work is hectic as well and not quite looking forward to Monday. My opportunity is to find the peace within all of this. I am not there yet, but, perhaps I will find something this week.

Just Write

This morning, I stayed in bed until 9 am. I finished listening to "How to Walk Away" by Katherine Center. I absolutely loved the book. Yes, the book contained many elements of chick-lit, with some grand gestures of romance, and a heavy sprinkling of hard times. In the end, love is what matters. When you don't know what to do for yourself, do for others. I realize that I have unrealistic expectations of romance and love. I admit all the romcoms I watch and chick-lits I read or listen to don't help. However, that is my utopia, my nirvana, my heaven. I believe there is more to life than what we see on planet earth in human form. I believe we are surrounded by a spirituality that is there, even if we cannot see it. I hope for a world in which peace, kindness, compassion, and love are the major themes. In this world, hate and violence aren't even a concept. I hope when my time on this earth is done, I get to experience that world in some way, shape, or form. I imagine getting to experience over and over a romantic gesture of some kind and I get to feel that tornado of bliss in your solar plexus and the thumping of your heart and the shortness of breath which comes along with it. 

I know the feelings of love change. There is a comfort in the long-lasting. The sparks of excitement extinguish and a quiet feeling replace it. This is nice too. In my nirvana-world, these two feelings live together. 

Yesterday, I saw my therapist. I got to cry and tell her just how stressful my life is at the moment. She empathized and said all the right things. She told me to write out my feelings. I do keep a journal that ebbs and flows. I write out my happy and my sad and my stress. Many times, I write in my head and the words never come out. I don't consider myself "a writer". My English grammar isn't perfect. My spelling isn't always accurate. My creativity doesn't always live up to my standards. But, here I am. I am writing. No one has to read this to validate. It feels nice to be typing away. Do I wish I were like JK Rowling? Yes. However, the world needs me, just as I am, writer or not. I get to live in my idealistic self from time to time and hope for a world that is happier than it sometimes is. Idealism is the vision while realism is the mission. Idealism gives us goals to walk towards. Idealism and romantic aspirations sometimes lead us to heartbreak. I know all about heartbreak and unrequited love. That was the story of my preteen years through my twenties. I longed for romance and was let down time and time again. I even got my heart broken big time and it took me a long time to recover. I'd say I still have some scars, but it didn't break me. I still love deeply and greatly. I have a love for my children that I could never know until they were born. I love them more each year that passes. I love my husband in that quiet way that sometimes is hard and challenging, but, in the end, we still choose each other. We wake up each morning and decide to make this work through the good and the ugly. I love my family. I belong with them and they with me. We get to be whomever we are and we still love one another. My list of friends is a bit shorter now in my forties, and I'm okay with this. I'm happy to have a few really good friends, knowing I get to be myself, and they accept and love me right back. 

Even in this very stressful time, I have moments of serenity and peace, and for this, I am grateful.