Pain. I tell my friends and family that pain is pain. Don't judge it. Don't compare it. Be kind to yourself when in pain. Feel it and embrace it and it will move through you. Some pain is quick and easy, other times it lasts a while, even decades. I sometimes forget my own advice. I sometimes focus on it, dwell on it, ruminate and devote my time to it. I listen to sad music as it's my favorite. My sister tells me I'm drawn to the melancholy of it all. (My favorite music decade was the '90s). The grandest pain for me comes from my expectations of others. And, if I'm honest with myself, a good portion of pain comes from me letting myself down. I want other people to be kind, friendly, compassionate, and empathetic. When this doesn't show up, I find myself sad and frustrated as I don't understand why a human could be so unkind. When I turn it around, it's really about me not living up to my own expectations. If someone isn't acting the way I think they should, it's up to me to recognize this is about them, not me. Someone else's actions are all about them, not me.
But but but...what if I want them to like me more? Aha - that is a biggie. I have had many relationships (romantic, friendships, family) fizzle out due to various reasons. It would make my day if those whom I haven't heard from call me, text me, or message me a "Hello. Was thinking of you. Hope you are well." Day. Made. But, why is my day made? Why do I continue to seek approval from outside myself? I am a good person. I am kind. I am compassionate. I can be helpful. Sometimes. Sometimes, I'm ugly and mean. I'm human. I hope for those I have hurt, I have apologized to them. I'm fascinated by Yom Kippur, perhaps I will study the holiday and ask one of my friends who is Jewish if I could celebrate with them.
Today, I'm finding myself sad for the past relationships that just didn't work. I'll own it. I will work towards it passing through me.
Hello pain, we meet again.
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