Belonging

I often go back to the idea of belonging. Life has been presenting me with many opportunities to study this concept. Brené Brown frequently speaks of belonging. Her definition is,

"Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance."

How often do I show my true self? Not as often as I would be proud to say. I can be the best chameleon out there. When I hide myself to the world, I'm lying and deceiving me. Is this what Life has asked of me? Is this what the Universe envisions for my time here on earth? I don't believe so. 

My good friend's sister sent me a book called, Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home. I read the first chapter and had to put it down. It was that thought-provoking and I need to sit with it before I continue. The word remembering is re-member; a verb describing us coming back to being a part of something larger than ourselves. 

The more I seek belonging, the smaller my tribe becomes. I am okay with this. Back in my teenage and twenty-something years, the number of phone numbers I had in my contact book meant something to me. It wasn't the quality of the relationships, just merely the quantity. This is no longer my style. I am most happy around people who accept me for all of me, including the ugly parts I do try to hide from time to time. 

To my tribe: I love you. Thank you!

Random Sunday Morning Thoughts

I find men reading in a coffeehouse quite attractive.

I enjoy sitting in the car on a sunny, but cold day and let the warmth wash over me.

When my children go to a sleepover, I miss them.

I appreciate sleeping in until my body wants to wake up.

I look forward to walks as the weather gets warmer.

I love acoustic 90s music and singing along in my car.

I'm happy Spring will be here soon.

I dig finding new knitting patterns.

I relish listening to audiobooks while knitting or make cards. 

All the Feelings

Lately, I have been a proponent of allowing all feelings to be okay - especially in the workplace. A caveat to this, no violence or hurtful words. Violence, anger, and hurtful words are secondary reactions to a primary emotion. I cry quite a bit at work and am becoming more comfortable with it. I encourage tears during tough conversations in the safety of my office. I tell my coworkers that tears don't scare me and it's good for us to cry.
This last week I cried quite a bit. My coworker is moving out of state. I rely on her quite a bit. She has a fantastic job opportunity with more responsibilities and money. I don't know how to compete with that. I never set out to be a supervisor, let alone a Director of a department. It fell upon me. It has been one of the most challenging situations in my life. I love my team and have such great people who work with me; it makes my job much more manageable. I come from a relationships point of view much more than a business strategy perspective.  I have learned much about strategy from my departing coworker. I will keep in touch with her and continue to pick her brain on the business world.

We have also had tremendous amounts of change at work. Several teammates have left for other opportunities. I miss them, and I'm gloomy at times.

There are days when I would enjoy winning the lottery, even if a small amount. I would take some time away from work and take a long cruise or travel to other countries.

Winter Blues

I'm quite lucky to live in a state known for 300 days of sunshine. When I lived in Indiana, we would go weeks with overcast skies. Oh boy, that was hard for me. I'm finding when I'm inside for work, with an inside office (no windows), this makes for a challenging day, week, and month. I am setting a personal goal for myself to step outside during the week at least ten minutes. I have noticed my mood has been quite low the last couple of months and I wonder if the little sun has something to do with it.

Terri

1992 Spring Break, Chicago

Sunday, December 9, 2018

Dear Terri,

On Thursday, I found out you passed away last Wednesday night. I was, and still am, in shock. I didn't realize you were sick. Jamie let me know. She apologized for not telling me earlier. Of course, no apologies needed. We were not in touch all too often. I regret this now.

You were one of my best friends in high school. Remember, we met in Mr. Powers' Biology class Sophomore year? He brought you to the front of the room and introduced you. He said you were from Harrisburg, PA, which was near Hershey, PA with all the chocolate. You lived close by, in the neighborhood across 91st street. We rode the same bus. You helped make high school bearable.

I have flashes of memories since last Thursday. One of my favorite memories is sitting on the bus, Sophomore year, going to Georgia for the Biology bird watching trip with Mr. Powers. We were towards the front of the bus, on the driver's side. You had brought some Far Side books. We read them together and would laugh until we cried. A few times, I thought I'd never catch my breath.

I remember when we were both Boys' Basketball managers and Mr. Feezle asked for something. You yelled, "I got it". You ran across towards the bleachers and slipped and fell on a piece of paper. We laughed for the rest of practice. Thankfully, you were not hurt.

Do you remember when we slept in your hammocks in your room? The thought of sleeping in a hammock was better than the actual event. Never will I sleep in a hammock all night.

Remember sleeping over at my house and we talked all night long? We talked until the sun came up and heard my Dad turning on the shower.

I loved our Chicago Spring Break trip our Senior year of high school. We took the train from Indy to Chicago. It was blustery cold, but we made it. We used the bus system to get around the city. Remember asking the old ladies which bus to take to get to Shed Aquarium?  Your Dad was working in Chicago at the time and we were able to use the pullout couch in his hotel room to sleep. The hotel also had a sauna and we'd chill in there to warm up from the cold. We went to the art museum and I was able to buy postcards of Kandinsky. We missed the train back to Indianapolis and your Dad paid for tickets on Southwest Airlines. We sat in seats facing backward and thought it was an interested experience. There was quite a bit of turbulence on the flight and we just laughed every time. I think it helped the folks in front of us.

We went to several concerts together. If I remember correctly, your parents weren't so keen on you attending concerts as a teenager. We talked them into your first concert, Amy Grant. We were both surprised to smell pot at an Amy Grant concert. Being that concert went well, our next concert was Milli Vanilli! (track record not so great yet). We watched two guys lip syncing, huh? However, we both learned the Electric Slide and I still know the moves today. In college, we saw Bush and No Doubt at IU our Junior year of college. From college on, we had better concert experiences. After college, you began to really enjoy Phish and I think of you when I hear them.

We were roommates Freshman year of college. I remember listening to Tori Amos quite a bit in our dorm room. This was the year I discovered my love of Pearl Jam and you put up with me listening to the album "Ten" over and over. You never complained. This is the year we met Jamie. I'm happy you two stayed such good friends. Jamie is good people. I'm happy she was there for you in your last years. I was also around when you met Rob. I never told you this, but he said to me, "There is just something about your roommate." I think he fell for you that very first weekend. I'm happy you had him all this time.

I have more memories of course. We spent 4 years of our lives in close quarters. We drifted a bit after Freshman year at IU. I saw you a handful of times as adults. Wish it would have been more.

Thank you for being in my life, Terri. I cherish all the memories I have today and will have through the years.

Until we meet again...

Your friend,
Jenny