So, I am currently 37 years old and inside I am feeling like I'm 12. It's not just my new favorite actor Jon Hamm. Yes, I started watching Mad Men (thank you Amy, one of the best shows ever!) and found Jon quite the handsome man. I even bought the movie "Bridesmaids" because I thought it hilarious and Jon Hamm is in the movie. I don't buy movies! I rarely watch movies over and over again. Silly me.
But other than this, I sometimes struggle with the same feelings I had when I was 12. I thought I would have outgrown these by now. I was on Facebook and I saw that a high school acquaintance "friended" a friend of mine. This person has common friends with me and I thought "Well, why hasn't she asked to friend me too?" Bam, all kind of high school feelings came back to me. I felt on the outskirts of this group of friends. I had two friends in the group and just felt the others didn't like me. There was a party once and a member of this group was passing out the flyers with information about the party. I was sitting at lunch with them and she looked at me with a not so nice look on her face and said, "Well, I guess I should give one to you too." I felt oh so welcome to attend! I really liked this group of gals and wanted to join in their group of friends, but just never felt like I was a part of their friendships. Like I said two of them were very nice to me and I hung out with just them and am grateful for their friendships.
Some say the best years of their life was high school. I struggled with junior high and high school. I wanted everyone to like me to a fault. I think I still can be that way. So, needless to say, I didn't really enjoy junior high and high school. College was better.
I guess a part of this is me feeling kind of on the outside. Feeling like I'm never quite cool enough. I've struggled with feeling like I can't find my niche in life. I like to do a lot of things and try a lot of things, but I never really master anything. I so admire ultra creative people. I used to draw all the time in hopes that one day I could be an artist. I sang in choirs, at my Spiritual Center but never really went anywhere with singing. I struggle with harmonizing with the other singers and never quite felt confident enough to put myself out there. I like to tell people "I have a good voice for choir, but not a soloist." I feel I knit okay and do enjoy that. Definitely will stick with knitting!
I feel an outsider in Colorado Springs too sometimes. It can be overwhelming with the conservative Christian groups. I'm not conservative and I am more Spiritual than religious. Sometimes I feel I get the hairy eyeball when someone finds out I'm not a conservative Christian.
Just having a down moment today. It will pass. I have many great people in my life and just need to focus on that.
Anyway...
I questioned if I should blog about this, or just keep it for my journal. I decided to place it on here in case anyone else ever feels like a 12 year old from time to time also. I know how you feel! We all struggle with something in our life. This is just mine.
But other than this, I sometimes struggle with the same feelings I had when I was 12. I thought I would have outgrown these by now. I was on Facebook and I saw that a high school acquaintance "friended" a friend of mine. This person has common friends with me and I thought "Well, why hasn't she asked to friend me too?" Bam, all kind of high school feelings came back to me. I felt on the outskirts of this group of friends. I had two friends in the group and just felt the others didn't like me. There was a party once and a member of this group was passing out the flyers with information about the party. I was sitting at lunch with them and she looked at me with a not so nice look on her face and said, "Well, I guess I should give one to you too." I felt oh so welcome to attend! I really liked this group of gals and wanted to join in their group of friends, but just never felt like I was a part of their friendships. Like I said two of them were very nice to me and I hung out with just them and am grateful for their friendships.
Some say the best years of their life was high school. I struggled with junior high and high school. I wanted everyone to like me to a fault. I think I still can be that way. So, needless to say, I didn't really enjoy junior high and high school. College was better.
I guess a part of this is me feeling kind of on the outside. Feeling like I'm never quite cool enough. I've struggled with feeling like I can't find my niche in life. I like to do a lot of things and try a lot of things, but I never really master anything. I so admire ultra creative people. I used to draw all the time in hopes that one day I could be an artist. I sang in choirs, at my Spiritual Center but never really went anywhere with singing. I struggle with harmonizing with the other singers and never quite felt confident enough to put myself out there. I like to tell people "I have a good voice for choir, but not a soloist." I feel I knit okay and do enjoy that. Definitely will stick with knitting!
I feel an outsider in Colorado Springs too sometimes. It can be overwhelming with the conservative Christian groups. I'm not conservative and I am more Spiritual than religious. Sometimes I feel I get the hairy eyeball when someone finds out I'm not a conservative Christian.
Just having a down moment today. It will pass. I have many great people in my life and just need to focus on that.
Anyway...
I questioned if I should blog about this, or just keep it for my journal. I decided to place it on here in case anyone else ever feels like a 12 year old from time to time also. I know how you feel! We all struggle with something in our life. This is just mine.
4 comments:
Oh Jen, I don't think anyone ever totally leaves behind the person he or she was in high school. After being made fun of a few times in middle school, I ran around for years thinking that everyone else was thinking those same unkind things. Even if a boy sincerely asked me out, I assumed he was really just making fun of me (because that had actually happened). Those things stick with you.
I, too, felt like an outsider most of the time, with only a few close friends and too scared/shy to reach out for more than that. The thing is though, YOU DO reach out and put yourself out there, and that is a wonderful thing. You probably get burned occasionally simply because not everyone is so nice, but at least you try. I think that is your great talent: building relationships and connecting with people -- making them feel human! It may not be something you can hold, but it's still something you make for yourself. I certainly can't do it like you do.
And if someone's best days were in high school, well, that's kind of sad. :)
I don't really pay too much attention to the Facebook stuff. I assume that people probably don't think much about me since I was so quiet, so they don't seek me out. And that's fine.
And I don't feel like I have mastered anything creatively either. Most people don't. Do you enjoy learning things and just playing around with them? I do. So I keep doing it. I believe that will eventually lead to some sort of mastery, and if not, I enjoyed the moment at least. :)
I try to look at where the bumps in the road brought me. Those bumps may have sucked for you at the time, but they made you who you are, which is a pretty great, educated, smart, fun woman with a wonderful family, a job practically catered just to her and lots of friends. Would those things have happened if your path had been completely smooth sailing? Probably not. Own those bad times, and don't let them own you! Make a cake for your demons. (There's my amateur Buddhism for you.)
Take care, Jen.
Thank you Ames! You are a good friend! I hadn't thought of myself this way. You are right. I am good with people in most situations. You rock!
I am so glad you put this out there! I too get these same feelings. Especially when I'm on facebook! I feel like everyone has these amazing, excitement filled lives and mine is just so boring. I have to remind myself that people only put their best, most exciting selves out there and don't share the day to day drudgery than is real life.
And I too have always felt like an outsider! I don't know why because I have a wide circle of close friends and had a great high school experience. There is no good explanation as to why I feel that way. I think, at our core, we are all still our jr. high selves! A little shy and insecure.
Everything you wrote about yourself I can identify with. I can also say that these feelings of yours have never been the way I have viewed you. You are always doing something interesting. Mastery or not, at least you tried and what a great lesson to pass along to your children!
Thank you Andrea! I have always seen you as a fun, lots of people love you kind of person. It's amazing how we perceive ourselves differently than the world does. Miss hanging out with you!
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