Fake it 'til you make it

The last year and a half or so have been a bit more challenging for me than normal. I am quite the typical human being with good days and not so great days. However, these last 18 months have felt a bit like a heavy blanket. I have moments when all I want to do is cry and be sad, for no reason whatsoever. Well, if I'm honest with myself, I do have some reasons, I just don't always admit them to myself. As I've mentioned, I read quite a bit about the new thought/new age movement. One major theme is "change your thinking, change your life". Almost all religions have this concept as well. I was raised Catholic (no longer practicing) and Christianity has this saying as well; "As someone thinks within himself, so he is." -Proverbs 23:7
I do believe strongly in this concept, it's just been more challenging of late. This morning I pondered if faking happiness, prosperity, joy, and belonging would help me break out of this cycle of low feelings. I attempted it a bit through the day. Perhaps it helped some. I'm dog sitting this weekend, so I took him for a short walk (the puppy is an old man, such a sweetie) early this morning (early for me on a weekend: 8 am). It helped to move some. Walking and contemplating go hand in hand.
I am revisiting "The Secret". I own the book and the movie is on Netflix. Hard to believe the movie came out 12 years ago. This book goes into the Law of Attraction quite a bit. Most new thought ideas have some sort of Law of Attraction within their belief system, it's just not always said with such words. I'm also listening to "Friendship with God", by Neale Donald Walsch. I read that book many moons ago when it was first released. I don't reread books often. With my new age books, I like to read them again years later as they always have something else to tell me. Similar concepts in this book regarding connecting with your higher source, whatever name you want to call it. I'm enjoying it as well.
I know, by divine right, I get to experience happiness. I know this is a choice I get to make. This week, I will wake up with gratitude for my life. Let's see how this week goes.

Music

So many thoughts, ideas, emotions, dreams, and just plain life contain music. The majority of the time, I have music in my life, whether it be playing out loud, in the car (always in the car), in my earbuds, or I'm just singing in my head. Music is a part of who we are as humans. We come together over music. Music can heal, bring laughter, induce tears, and be quite cathartic. 

I have memories of my Dad working in our garage in our first house in Indianapolis. We had a one-story, three-bedroom, one and a half bath house with a detached garage. My dad had a record player in the garage and I'd watch him work, on, what I can't remember; while playing music and singing along. There was one record with the words "son of a gun" on the album cover. I remember thinking that was a bad phrase, and I would chuckle to myself when I'd read those words in my head. Such a rebel! 

My first concert was Neil Diamond, Indianapolis' Market Square Arena in 1984 (ish). The concert was almost three hours long and I practically fell asleep until I heard "Coming to America". As I got a bit older, I was made fun of for seeing and listening to Neil Diamond. Apparently, he wasn't cool enough. In high school, I was made fun of for liking George Michael - not alternative enough. In college, a few people rolled their eyes because I listened to Dave Matthews Band, "they sold out". Why do we make fun of others for the music they listen to? Why do we define ourselves by the music we enjoy? There is music I like and don't like. Doesn't mean I have the right to make fun of someone for their preferences.

I find myself drawn to the songs of melancholy. The more broken hearted, the better. Why? I really don't know. Perhaps because for so long, I was invariably broken hearted over someone or something. I still struggle with that today, just not as strongly. Perhaps this music means I'm really okay. I'm not all that different from other people. We all experience pain from time to time. For me, music can release a bit of that sadness.

So today, I'm inspired to listen to a bit of my childhood music as I work on weekend chores.

Rock on!

Parallel Lives

 I  have a strong interest in New Thought/New Age ideas. I heard an interview with a former dentist turned hypnotherapist. He spoke upon parallel lives. I have heard of this idea, but I don't know much about it. Quite intriguing though. So, if we have parallel lives, what do our other lives look like? Are they similar with minor changes, or drastically different? Could I still be living in Indiana? New Mexico? Somewhere else? Oh, maybe somewhere in Greece, or Spain, or the United Kingdom? Better, yet, maybe a tropical spot where it's warm all year round. This interview reminded me we are a total of all of our choices. Where would I be had I stayed in Indiana? The majority of the people in my life today almost certainly wouldn't be around. I believe the core of our being knows what we need in our life and life presents choices for us. In the end, as long as you choose to be kind, I don't think you can go wrong. Still, fun to ponder...

Chaos and Zen

 Chaos to me is when too many things are in the same space, whether this is activities closer together/at the same time, or too many physical things (clutter). This coming week is chaos to me. My house is cluttered as it is. My husband and I have different views of clutter and for me, it's very challenging to be in a room with things piled on top of each other. I am not a minimalist, and I lean more towards that way of being than anyone else in my family. I am working through anxiety, and have been for quite some time. The house, I find, is not a Zen place for me. If I could, I'd have a shed in the backyard with heat and A/C for my escape. This week, my husband is out of town and the kiddos and I have quite a few activities. I have spent the morning organizing rides and babysitters. I woke up with a headache and as of 1:20 pm, I still have this headache. My work is hectic as well and not quite looking forward to Monday. My opportunity is to find the peace within all of this. I am not there yet, but, perhaps I will find something this week.

Just Write

This morning, I stayed in bed until 9 am. I finished listening to "How to Walk Away" by Katherine Center. I absolutely loved the book. Yes, the book contained many elements of chick-lit, with some grand gestures of romance, and a heavy sprinkling of hard times. In the end, love is what matters. When you don't know what to do for yourself, do for others. I realize that I have unrealistic expectations of romance and love. I admit all the romcoms I watch and chick-lits I read or listen to don't help. However, that is my utopia, my nirvana, my heaven. I believe there is more to life than what we see on planet earth in human form. I believe we are surrounded by a spirituality that is there, even if we cannot see it. I hope for a world in which peace, kindness, compassion, and love are the major themes. In this world, hate and violence aren't even a concept. I hope when my time on this earth is done, I get to experience that world in some way, shape, or form. I imagine getting to experience over and over a romantic gesture of some kind and I get to feel that tornado of bliss in your solar plexus and the thumping of your heart and the shortness of breath which comes along with it. 

I know the feelings of love change. There is a comfort in the long-lasting. The sparks of excitement extinguish and a quiet feeling replace it. This is nice too. In my nirvana-world, these two feelings live together. 

Yesterday, I saw my therapist. I got to cry and tell her just how stressful my life is at the moment. She empathized and said all the right things. She told me to write out my feelings. I do keep a journal that ebbs and flows. I write out my happy and my sad and my stress. Many times, I write in my head and the words never come out. I don't consider myself "a writer". My English grammar isn't perfect. My spelling isn't always accurate. My creativity doesn't always live up to my standards. But, here I am. I am writing. No one has to read this to validate. It feels nice to be typing away. Do I wish I were like JK Rowling? Yes. However, the world needs me, just as I am, writer or not. I get to live in my idealistic self from time to time and hope for a world that is happier than it sometimes is. Idealism is the vision while realism is the mission. Idealism gives us goals to walk towards. Idealism and romantic aspirations sometimes lead us to heartbreak. I know all about heartbreak and unrequited love. That was the story of my preteen years through my twenties. I longed for romance and was let down time and time again. I even got my heart broken big time and it took me a long time to recover. I'd say I still have some scars, but it didn't break me. I still love deeply and greatly. I have a love for my children that I could never know until they were born. I love them more each year that passes. I love my husband in that quiet way that sometimes is hard and challenging, but, in the end, we still choose each other. We wake up each morning and decide to make this work through the good and the ugly. I love my family. I belong with them and they with me. We get to be whomever we are and we still love one another. My list of friends is a bit shorter now in my forties, and I'm okay with this. I'm happy to have a few really good friends, knowing I get to be myself, and they accept and love me right back. 

Even in this very stressful time, I have moments of serenity and peace, and for this, I am grateful.