Parallel Lives

 I  have a strong interest in New Thought/New Age ideas. I heard an interview with a former dentist turned hypnotherapist. He spoke upon parallel lives. I have heard of this idea, but I don't know much about it. Quite intriguing though. So, if we have parallel lives, what do our other lives look like? Are they similar with minor changes, or drastically different? Could I still be living in Indiana? New Mexico? Somewhere else? Oh, maybe somewhere in Greece, or Spain, or the United Kingdom? Better, yet, maybe a tropical spot where it's warm all year round. This interview reminded me we are a total of all of our choices. Where would I be had I stayed in Indiana? The majority of the people in my life today almost certainly wouldn't be around. I believe the core of our being knows what we need in our life and life presents choices for us. In the end, as long as you choose to be kind, I don't think you can go wrong. Still, fun to ponder...

Chaos and Zen

 Chaos to me is when too many things are in the same space, whether this is activities closer together/at the same time, or too many physical things (clutter). This coming week is chaos to me. My house is cluttered as it is. My husband and I have different views of clutter and for me, it's very challenging to be in a room with things piled on top of each other. I am not a minimalist, and I lean more towards that way of being than anyone else in my family. I am working through anxiety, and have been for quite some time. The house, I find, is not a Zen place for me. If I could, I'd have a shed in the backyard with heat and A/C for my escape. This week, my husband is out of town and the kiddos and I have quite a few activities. I have spent the morning organizing rides and babysitters. I woke up with a headache and as of 1:20 pm, I still have this headache. My work is hectic as well and not quite looking forward to Monday. My opportunity is to find the peace within all of this. I am not there yet, but, perhaps I will find something this week.

Just Write

This morning, I stayed in bed until 9 am. I finished listening to "How to Walk Away" by Katherine Center. I absolutely loved the book. Yes, the book contained many elements of chick-lit, with some grand gestures of romance, and a heavy sprinkling of hard times. In the end, love is what matters. When you don't know what to do for yourself, do for others. I realize that I have unrealistic expectations of romance and love. I admit all the romcoms I watch and chick-lits I read or listen to don't help. However, that is my utopia, my nirvana, my heaven. I believe there is more to life than what we see on planet earth in human form. I believe we are surrounded by a spirituality that is there, even if we cannot see it. I hope for a world in which peace, kindness, compassion, and love are the major themes. In this world, hate and violence aren't even a concept. I hope when my time on this earth is done, I get to experience that world in some way, shape, or form. I imagine getting to experience over and over a romantic gesture of some kind and I get to feel that tornado of bliss in your solar plexus and the thumping of your heart and the shortness of breath which comes along with it. 

I know the feelings of love change. There is a comfort in the long-lasting. The sparks of excitement extinguish and a quiet feeling replace it. This is nice too. In my nirvana-world, these two feelings live together. 

Yesterday, I saw my therapist. I got to cry and tell her just how stressful my life is at the moment. She empathized and said all the right things. She told me to write out my feelings. I do keep a journal that ebbs and flows. I write out my happy and my sad and my stress. Many times, I write in my head and the words never come out. I don't consider myself "a writer". My English grammar isn't perfect. My spelling isn't always accurate. My creativity doesn't always live up to my standards. But, here I am. I am writing. No one has to read this to validate. It feels nice to be typing away. Do I wish I were like JK Rowling? Yes. However, the world needs me, just as I am, writer or not. I get to live in my idealistic self from time to time and hope for a world that is happier than it sometimes is. Idealism is the vision while realism is the mission. Idealism gives us goals to walk towards. Idealism and romantic aspirations sometimes lead us to heartbreak. I know all about heartbreak and unrequited love. That was the story of my preteen years through my twenties. I longed for romance and was let down time and time again. I even got my heart broken big time and it took me a long time to recover. I'd say I still have some scars, but it didn't break me. I still love deeply and greatly. I have a love for my children that I could never know until they were born. I love them more each year that passes. I love my husband in that quiet way that sometimes is hard and challenging, but, in the end, we still choose each other. We wake up each morning and decide to make this work through the good and the ugly. I love my family. I belong with them and they with me. We get to be whomever we are and we still love one another. My list of friends is a bit shorter now in my forties, and I'm okay with this. I'm happy to have a few really good friends, knowing I get to be myself, and they accept and love me right back. 

Even in this very stressful time, I have moments of serenity and peace, and for this, I am grateful. 

Dr. Mike

I found out my friend, Dr. Mike passed away recently. He was the first minister I knew at Center for Spiritual Living, Colorado Springs. I moved to Colorado Springs in 1998, and Mike was one of the first people I met here. I randomly looked in the phone book for a church that may be more progressive and came across this church. I called them and spoke with Barb, their office manager at the time. She told me they are accepting of all people and all faiths. I found a spiritual home here. I took as many of their classes as I could, I joined the music team, I volunteered when I could. In 2002, the center was going through quite a rough patch and Dr. Mike resigned/retired. I kept in touch with him on and off. We would have lunch sometimes to catch up. I feel sad, as the last few years I did not meet up with him nor call him to say hello. I let the busyness of my life get in the way.
Dr. Mike, you were a resource for me when I first started out here in Colorado Springs. I learned quite a bit from you. You will be missed! I trust one day we will meet again. 

The Holidays

What? I have a vivid memory of sitting on my couch on Christmas of 2016, knitting and watching The British Baking Show. This year passed in the blink of an eye, and yet, it was a tough year. The beginning of the year, my husband lost his job. A few months later, his Mom passed away.  I absolutely love my job and it’s the hardest position I have ever held. I had a bit of a breakdown over the summer. The pressure of our company’s move along with staff challenges and all the projects due at fiscal new year got to me. I spent one day crying and I couldn’t stop. I ended up taking a week off (short notice) and went to Indiana to recoup. I don’t believe I will allow myself to get to that level of stress again. I learned quite a bit about myself during that time.
Here’s to a good holiday season and a Happy 2018!