Just Write

This morning, I stayed in bed until 9 am. I finished listening to "How to Walk Away" by Katherine Center. I absolutely loved the book. Yes, the book contained many elements of chick-lit, with some grand gestures of romance, and a heavy sprinkling of hard times. In the end, love is what matters. When you don't know what to do for yourself, do for others. I realize that I have unrealistic expectations of romance and love. I admit all the romcoms I watch and chick-lits I read or listen to don't help. However, that is my utopia, my nirvana, my heaven. I believe there is more to life than what we see on planet earth in human form. I believe we are surrounded by a spirituality that is there, even if we cannot see it. I hope for a world in which peace, kindness, compassion, and love are the major themes. In this world, hate and violence aren't even a concept. I hope when my time on this earth is done, I get to experience that world in some way, shape, or form. I imagine getting to experience over and over a romantic gesture of some kind and I get to feel that tornado of bliss in your solar plexus and the thumping of your heart and the shortness of breath which comes along with it. 

I know the feelings of love change. There is a comfort in the long-lasting. The sparks of excitement extinguish and a quiet feeling replace it. This is nice too. In my nirvana-world, these two feelings live together. 

Yesterday, I saw my therapist. I got to cry and tell her just how stressful my life is at the moment. She empathized and said all the right things. She told me to write out my feelings. I do keep a journal that ebbs and flows. I write out my happy and my sad and my stress. Many times, I write in my head and the words never come out. I don't consider myself "a writer". My English grammar isn't perfect. My spelling isn't always accurate. My creativity doesn't always live up to my standards. But, here I am. I am writing. No one has to read this to validate. It feels nice to be typing away. Do I wish I were like JK Rowling? Yes. However, the world needs me, just as I am, writer or not. I get to live in my idealistic self from time to time and hope for a world that is happier than it sometimes is. Idealism is the vision while realism is the mission. Idealism gives us goals to walk towards. Idealism and romantic aspirations sometimes lead us to heartbreak. I know all about heartbreak and unrequited love. That was the story of my preteen years through my twenties. I longed for romance and was let down time and time again. I even got my heart broken big time and it took me a long time to recover. I'd say I still have some scars, but it didn't break me. I still love deeply and greatly. I have a love for my children that I could never know until they were born. I love them more each year that passes. I love my husband in that quiet way that sometimes is hard and challenging, but, in the end, we still choose each other. We wake up each morning and decide to make this work through the good and the ugly. I love my family. I belong with them and they with me. We get to be whomever we are and we still love one another. My list of friends is a bit shorter now in my forties, and I'm okay with this. I'm happy to have a few really good friends, knowing I get to be myself, and they accept and love me right back. 

Even in this very stressful time, I have moments of serenity and peace, and for this, I am grateful. 

Dr. Mike

I found out my friend, Dr. Mike passed away recently. He was the first minister I knew at Center for Spiritual Living, Colorado Springs. I moved to Colorado Springs in 1998, and Mike was one of the first people I met here. I randomly looked in the phone book for a church that may be more progressive and came across this church. I called them and spoke with Barb, their office manager at the time. She told me they are accepting of all people and all faiths. I found a spiritual home here. I took as many of their classes as I could, I joined the music team, I volunteered when I could. In 2002, the center was going through quite a rough patch and Dr. Mike resigned/retired. I kept in touch with him on and off. We would have lunch sometimes to catch up. I feel sad, as the last few years I did not meet up with him nor call him to say hello. I let the busyness of my life get in the way.
Dr. Mike, you were a resource for me when I first started out here in Colorado Springs. I learned quite a bit from you. You will be missed! I trust one day we will meet again. 

The Holidays

What? I have a vivid memory of sitting on my couch on Christmas of 2016, knitting and watching The British Baking Show. This year passed in the blink of an eye, and yet, it was a tough year. The beginning of the year, my husband lost his job. A few months later, his Mom passed away.  I absolutely love my job and it’s the hardest position I have ever held. I had a bit of a breakdown over the summer. The pressure of our company’s move along with staff challenges and all the projects due at fiscal new year got to me. I spent one day crying and I couldn’t stop. I ended up taking a week off (short notice) and went to Indiana to recoup. I don’t believe I will allow myself to get to that level of stress again. I learned quite a bit about myself during that time.
Here’s to a good holiday season and a Happy 2018!

Confidence

The last few weeks have been challenging. I experienced a level of stress I haven't experienced before. I was so stressed, I was getting sick.  I felt I was floating above my own body. I cried for at least eight hours. What was this? A panic attack? I didn't have a racing heart, nor did I feel as though I were dying. It was a perfect storm of issues from work and home and came together in one big cluster. Through all of this, and with help from my family, I learned that I must work on my confidence. I tend to feel not good enough in most areas of my life. I sometimes feel like a fraud. Do people really trust me to be a wife, a Mom, a friend and an HR professional?

So now, I get to practice. I'm practicing/faking until I make it that I am confident. As Brene Brown states, you have to show up and be heard. I get to practice speaking up in meetings when I feel a bit stupid. I get to practice saying no even though I fear disappointing people. I get to practice self-care.

A part of my self-care. I went back to my childhood home of Indiana. I spent time with my family and had a much-needed break. I learned from my brother that confidence can make you go from feeling like a six to a nine out of ten. I learned from my sister that the cute guy in college probably did like me, but I was too shy to show my interest.

I have moments of feeling very confident. I will hold onto those until more come.

I just want to be healthy

Most of my life, I have worried about my weight. I remember being six years old and my classmate, Tim said, "you look skinny in those jeans". I remember being quite happy about that statement. I didn't worry too much about my size until 7th grade. This is when I realized I was on the chunkier side, compared to my classmates. I also was told I was fat a few times in junior high by some boys and that really hurt my feelings. In high school and college, I would try to diet. I would lose a few pounds but then gain it right back. I have a love of food. I think about food often. I like the feeling I have when I have a full belly. I fear the feeling of hunger. Lately, I'm hearing from people "I just want to be healthy", versus losing weight. I agree with this sentiment, and, to be honest, I'm not there. I don't know if I ever will be. Of course, I want to be healthy. If I'm not healthy, I cannot enjoy my life. However, the urge to be thin is still stronger than the urge to be healthy. Perhaps I'm stuck in my high school way of thinking. Perhaps I need to evolve a bit. I'm not sure how to switch to focusing on health over the number on the scale. I'll keep working towards being healthy over being thin.