Dr. Mike

I found out my friend, Dr. Mike passed away recently. He was the first minister I knew at Center for Spiritual Living, Colorado Springs. I moved to Colorado Springs in 1998, and Mike was one of the first people I met here. I randomly looked in the phone book for a church that may be more progressive and came across this church. I called them and spoke with Barb, their office manager at the time. She told me they are accepting of all people and all faiths. I found a spiritual home here. I took as many of their classes as I could, I joined the music team, I volunteered when I could. In 2002, the center was going through quite a rough patch and Dr. Mike resigned/retired. I kept in touch with him on and off. We would have lunch sometimes to catch up. I feel sad, as the last few years I did not meet up with him nor call him to say hello. I let the busyness of my life get in the way.
Dr. Mike, you were a resource for me when I first started out here in Colorado Springs. I learned quite a bit from you. You will be missed! I trust one day we will meet again. 

The Holidays

What? I have a vivid memory of sitting on my couch on Christmas of 2016, knitting and watching The British Baking Show. This year passed in the blink of an eye, and yet, it was a tough year. The beginning of the year, my husband lost his job. A few months later, his Mom passed away.  I absolutely love my job and it’s the hardest position I have ever held. I had a bit of a breakdown over the summer. The pressure of our company’s move along with staff challenges and all the projects due at fiscal new year got to me. I spent one day crying and I couldn’t stop. I ended up taking a week off (short notice) and went to Indiana to recoup. I don’t believe I will allow myself to get to that level of stress again. I learned quite a bit about myself during that time.
Here’s to a good holiday season and a Happy 2018!

Confidence

The last few weeks have been challenging. I experienced a level of stress I haven't experienced before. I was so stressed, I was getting sick.  I felt I was floating above my own body. I cried for at least eight hours. What was this? A panic attack? I didn't have a racing heart, nor did I feel as though I were dying. It was a perfect storm of issues from work and home and came together in one big cluster. Through all of this, and with help from my family, I learned that I must work on my confidence. I tend to feel not good enough in most areas of my life. I sometimes feel like a fraud. Do people really trust me to be a wife, a Mom, a friend and an HR professional?

So now, I get to practice. I'm practicing/faking until I make it that I am confident. As Brene Brown states, you have to show up and be heard. I get to practice speaking up in meetings when I feel a bit stupid. I get to practice saying no even though I fear disappointing people. I get to practice self-care.

A part of my self-care. I went back to my childhood home of Indiana. I spent time with my family and had a much-needed break. I learned from my brother that confidence can make you go from feeling like a six to a nine out of ten. I learned from my sister that the cute guy in college probably did like me, but I was too shy to show my interest.

I have moments of feeling very confident. I will hold onto those until more come.

I just want to be healthy

Most of my life, I have worried about my weight. I remember being six years old and my classmate, Tim said, "you look skinny in those jeans". I remember being quite happy about that statement. I didn't worry too much about my size until 7th grade. This is when I realized I was on the chunkier side, compared to my classmates. I also was told I was fat a few times in junior high by some boys and that really hurt my feelings. In high school and college, I would try to diet. I would lose a few pounds but then gain it right back. I have a love of food. I think about food often. I like the feeling I have when I have a full belly. I fear the feeling of hunger. Lately, I'm hearing from people "I just want to be healthy", versus losing weight. I agree with this sentiment, and, to be honest, I'm not there. I don't know if I ever will be. Of course, I want to be healthy. If I'm not healthy, I cannot enjoy my life. However, the urge to be thin is still stronger than the urge to be healthy. Perhaps I'm stuck in my high school way of thinking. Perhaps I need to evolve a bit. I'm not sure how to switch to focusing on health over the number on the scale. I'll keep working towards being healthy over being thin. 

Overwhelmed

Along with anxiety, I find myself overwhelmed more than I care to admit. My home and my work are a bit stressful at the moment. OK, a lot stressful. Work is very busy with things to accomplish. I'm also a people pleaser and try to help everyone. I'm learning to say "no" more often and bit by bit, it is helping. I'm also reading "Essentialism" by Greg McKeown. This too is helping. This book gives tips on letting go of anything that is not essential. I realize I am quite the non-essentialist. I practiced saying "no" at work this week by stating my department (HR) does not have any more resources to take on another project offered our way.

Home is tough as well. We had a big loss in our family. My husband's Mom passed away not quite a month ago. This is hard as this is our first parent to pass away. In some ways, it doesn't seem real quite yet. What is real is all the stuff to be done when your parent passes away. It is more than one realizes. I'm trying to help my husband, but I am afraid I'm not being as helpful as I could. I get overwhelmed and anxious with "stuff" around me. We have quite a bit of stuff in our house and I am struggling with feeling calm in our space. I really am trying, but feel I am failing. Mixing my anxiety around clutter and my people pleasing issues, this is quite a mess.

Just breathe.