Confidence

The last few weeks have been challenging. I experienced a level of stress I haven't experienced before. I was so stressed, I was getting sick.  I felt I was floating above my own body. I cried for at least eight hours. What was this? A panic attack? I didn't have a racing heart, nor did I feel as though I were dying. It was a perfect storm of issues from work and home and came together in one big cluster. Through all of this, and with help from my family, I learned that I must work on my confidence. I tend to feel not good enough in most areas of my life. I sometimes feel like a fraud. Do people really trust me to be a wife, a Mom, a friend and an HR professional?

So now, I get to practice. I'm practicing/faking until I make it that I am confident. As Brene Brown states, you have to show up and be heard. I get to practice speaking up in meetings when I feel a bit stupid. I get to practice saying no even though I fear disappointing people. I get to practice self-care.

A part of my self-care. I went back to my childhood home of Indiana. I spent time with my family and had a much-needed break. I learned from my brother that confidence can make you go from feeling like a six to a nine out of ten. I learned from my sister that the cute guy in college probably did like me, but I was too shy to show my interest.

I have moments of feeling very confident. I will hold onto those until more come.

I just want to be healthy

Most of my life, I have worried about my weight. I remember being six years old and my classmate, Tim said, "you look skinny in those jeans". I remember being quite happy about that statement. I didn't worry too much about my size until 7th grade. This is when I realized I was on the chunkier side, compared to my classmates. I also was told I was fat a few times in junior high by some boys and that really hurt my feelings. In high school and college, I would try to diet. I would lose a few pounds but then gain it right back. I have a love of food. I think about food often. I like the feeling I have when I have a full belly. I fear the feeling of hunger. Lately, I'm hearing from people "I just want to be healthy", versus losing weight. I agree with this sentiment, and, to be honest, I'm not there. I don't know if I ever will be. Of course, I want to be healthy. If I'm not healthy, I cannot enjoy my life. However, the urge to be thin is still stronger than the urge to be healthy. Perhaps I'm stuck in my high school way of thinking. Perhaps I need to evolve a bit. I'm not sure how to switch to focusing on health over the number on the scale. I'll keep working towards being healthy over being thin. 

Overwhelmed

Along with anxiety, I find myself overwhelmed more than I care to admit. My home and my work are a bit stressful at the moment. OK, a lot stressful. Work is very busy with things to accomplish. I'm also a people pleaser and try to help everyone. I'm learning to say "no" more often and bit by bit, it is helping. I'm also reading "Essentialism" by Greg McKeown. This too is helping. This book gives tips on letting go of anything that is not essential. I realize I am quite the non-essentialist. I practiced saying "no" at work this week by stating my department (HR) does not have any more resources to take on another project offered our way.

Home is tough as well. We had a big loss in our family. My husband's Mom passed away not quite a month ago. This is hard as this is our first parent to pass away. In some ways, it doesn't seem real quite yet. What is real is all the stuff to be done when your parent passes away. It is more than one realizes. I'm trying to help my husband, but I am afraid I'm not being as helpful as I could. I get overwhelmed and anxious with "stuff" around me. We have quite a bit of stuff in our house and I am struggling with feeling calm in our space. I really am trying, but feel I am failing. Mixing my anxiety around clutter and my people pleasing issues, this is quite a mess.

Just breathe.  

Anxiety

Brene Brown (http://brenebrown.com/) is fabulous! I just love her!
I enjoy her books and her TED talks. The one thing I have learned from her is being vulnerable. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, it creates space for others to be vulnerable as well. To me, being vulnerable is just being ourselves - no masks.

Being vulnerable also means embracing the parts of ourselves we don't particularly like. I have been struggling with some pieces of my life. I feel overwhelmed more than I care to. I yell at my husband more than I should (which is never). I only feel comfortable at home when it's uncluttered (hardly ever). I cannot seem to relax unless the chores are completed - at least visually.

This weekend I was alone in the house! Just the dog and me. I got the main level and my bedroom to a space where I felt calm. Once my family came home and they started "living" in the house, my anxiety increased. I could feel it in my stomach. This isn't a fun way to live.

I have decided to speak openly when I feel overwhelmed. I am also going to chat with a doctor to search other options. I also have a fabulous life coach Melissa: http://melissahealycoaching.com/ whom I speak with a few times a year. Hope it all helps!

Just don't drive like an asshole

I recently went to Phoenix for a family reunion. My kiddos went with me. The husband stayed home to care for our dog and his Mom. I got to see my Mom and Dad and many, many, many cousins. I even got to see an old friend in Santa Fe. As I was driving, most people were kind and courteous. The traffic flowed well, even in Phoenix. However, there were a few of "those drivers". A few people thought it was OK to drive 20 miles per hour over the stated limit. Said drivers thought it was okay to cut everyone off in his way. I kept yelling, "Don't be an asshole!" This will be my teaching advice to my children when they are old enough to start driving. Just don't be an asshole.